I’ve always been a little anxious when faced with blocks of free time. Growing up, I found comfort in the structure of a routine. I liked knowing “what’s next.” When not at work, I fill my free time with activities – classes in aerial/circus arts, playing in a Doom metal band, going on trips with my partner, scheduling meals and catch-up dates with friends, etc. But things are changing up a bit now, because…
Last week, I quit my job.
It was a circuitous path that led me here. Well, ok not so much circuitous as meandering. Ok … not so much meandering, as much as it was a frantic “do all the things omg you cannot be a failure” panic journey.
I could go into more detail about my career path thus far, and maybe I will in a later post. But in the meantime, I’ll give you the gist. I graduated from law school and received my license to practice law in CA in 2011. I briefly practiced law, sort of (most attorneys don’t consider document review real law practice), for a few years culminating in a 2 year contract working at Google. Unhappy as a lawyer, and with my contract soon ending, I had to come up with a plan. At Google, being surrounded by engineers (all of whom had employee provided health insurance and 401ks, neither of which I had, as a temp contractor) really made me think. I was approaching 30, and damn I really wanted those sweet, sweet benefits – medical, dental, vision, retirement savings, the whole 9 yards. I hadn’t seen a dentist in years, and I was living paycheck to paycheck – bay area rent plus my monthly student loan payments were making it nearly impossible to save anything. It seemed like these Google engineers were happy. And their teeth looked clean as hell. Lawyers, as you well know, are seldom happy – you may mistake them for being happy, but most likely they are drunk.
I decided to take the plunge to switch careers and become a software engineer – the job prospects seemed better, and analytical thinking is a transferrable skill I told myself. After a period of self study, I applied to and was accepted to a coding bootcamp, I worked myself harder than ever before, had a few emotional breakdowns along the way, and with some luck and perseverance, landed an associate engineer position at this cool new company called Slack. That was 4 years and 8 months ago. My feelings about my career at Slack are complicated, but mostly positive – I met some of my best friends there. But I was (and am still, very much so) grateful. I was finally able to have job stability, I got my teeth cleaned and cavities filled (hallelujah), I began saving for retirement. I did that Real Adulting™ shit. And after a few years of working super hard and taking minimal breaks because I felt like I had to prove myself, I was finally able to look up from that hamster wheel of survival and realize: I was tired. I was burned out. I needed a break. So, I decided (after some consternation) to take a break.
And now, here I am. I am faced with a field of unstructured free time. I honestly don’t know exactly “what’s next.” And I only feel a little anxious. I also feel excited. I’m also so grateful, because I know what an enormous (enormous!) privilege it is to have the luxury of free time. And I’m happy that you (whoever you are) are here to follow me on this journey.
Folks, this is sabbatical season.