I haven’t written in a while, and now that I’m dipping my toes back into the job search game, I want to take a break from writing yet another post about my chocolate making hobby to write a post to reflect a little on these last 4 months.

Today, I realized that I like the person I am now way more than the person I was 6 or 7 months ago.

When I was so constantly stressed and unhappy about my job, that irritation bled into every facet of my life. I was short tempered with my friends and my family. I was also extremely mean to myself. It was almost as if, because I felt constantly irritated by the feelings of inefficiency/ineffectiveness/insufficiency at work, I had no space to deal effectively with anything else, my relationships included. Every small thing just added to my constant irritation, and I would respond in an irritated manner. I snapped easily, things that weren’t in actuality a very big deal felt like a big deal and then I’d in turn respond as if they were a big deal. I remember feeling so frustrated with myself. I would berate myself for not handling a situation or interaction better, laying awake at night mentally self-flagellating because I didn’t deal with a situation the way I wanted to: with patience, and kindness towards both myself and the other party.

My therapist and I have talked about a coping strategy in the past. We colloquially refer to it as “the bubble.” Firstly, I work on mentally creating a little bit of space for myself, and work towards feeling good and grounded in that space. It’s almost as if there is a layer of space around me, not to keep others “out,” but rather to give myself room to just Be. With this layer of space, when someone else presents something to me (be it criticism, an emotionally difficult suggestion, or just perceived criticism/something else that I am triggered by, etc), rather than becoming immediately reactionary (for example, becoming instantly emotional and so swept up in that tornado of shit that I don’t realize what’s happening until I come back down), I have that key bit of space to interact and engage rather than just react.

It’s as if the other party presents the idea/criticism/suggestion to me on a piece of paper and just sticks it to the outside of my bubble, which is a good 2 feet in front of my face, instead of smacking me full-on the forehead with a post-it note. I can see the idea/criticism/suggestion more clearly because I have that metaphorical 2 feet of clarity, and I have the room to breathe, think, and consider.

This strategy works well for me, but during that time when I was still working at a job I was so unhappy in and feeling constantly anxious/stressed, I had to work SO HARD all the time to create that bubble for myself, and to fight to not immediately get into that reactionary place. It was exhausting.

Since taking this time off and being able to have the freedom to just Be, and to explore ideas, try new things, pursue my hobbies as much as I want without guilt, I have found that I have not had to work hard at all to create this bubble. In fact, I have this space to just exist, I have this bubble that I feel grounded and good in, without almost any concerted effort at all.

I am more patient, I no longer have to fight myself to stop from becoming reactionary and overly emotional with others. I feel calm. I feel good. It’s hard to describe in words, but I feel “dropped into myself.”

To explain a bit further, I have been doing a lot of self examination through the lens of a book I recently read.

I’ve been reading a lot of books during this sabbatical (one of the great luxuries of time off is the freedom to read as much as I want), and one of the books that has had a large impact on me is It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self by Hilary Jacobs Hendel.

Here’s an excerpt from the Amazon description of the book: “In It’s Not Always Depression, Jacobs Hendel shares a unique and pragmatic tool called the Change Triangle—a guide to carry you from a place of disconnection back to your true self… Accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy (AEDP), the method practiced by Jacobs Hendel and pioneered by Diana Fosha, PhD, teaches us to identify the defenses and inhibitory emotions (shame, guilt, and anxiety) that block core emotions (anger, sadness, fear, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement). Fully experiencing core emotions allows us to enter an openhearted state where we are calm, curious, connected, compassionate, confident, courageous, and clear.”

The change triangle is a map to moving past our distress so we can spend more of our time in calmer, more vital states of being. The change triangle is grounded in the latest scientific research on emotions and the brain…

Ideally, we create a balance between our emotions and thoughts. We need to feel our feelings, but not so much that they overtake us, impair our functioning and ability to be productive. We need to think, but not so much that we ignore our deep and rice emotional lives, sacrificing vitality.

Hilary Jacobs Hendel

During my sabbatical, I have felt much more grounded in myself, and it has been much easier to drop into this openhearted state where I am the “7 C’s” that Jacobs Hendel describes (calm, curious, connected, compassionate, confident, courageous, and clear). This is not to say that I don’t struggle and get emotional (I am a passionate and emotional person by nature). Introspection and self improvement is a constant journey that I am very much still in the midst of. However, I feel good about the way I have been handling difficult conversations and situations as of late. No late night mental self-flagellations necessary.

I like the person that I am now, and I hope I can continue and take this version of me forward into my next chapter in life.